So with these long gaps, I am pulled, each time to write about not writing. Why I didn’t, what pulled me back, what I wanted to write about but didn’t. I’ll resist (mostly) except to say working in the job I have and the guilt I feel about the parenting time spent unavailable, working, or distracted or exhausted and the reality of the things that are at the top of my list with any free time– have all kicked my butt for some time now. And they’ve kicked it every time I sit down to blog here.
The very good news is that our household feels like it is going through sea changes– all good sea changes, but sea changes. (I’ll be less vague soon, but no one is breaking up, no new child on the horizon, just changes in our thinking and approach to some important things– and one new housemember to be discussed in the next paragraph.) I am developing a picture in my mind of not despair, but of what I really want my working life to look like and how to get there– several different paths. My partner and I are both thinking hard about what we want to be doing with this precious time we have in our lives, with daughter and with each other. My daughter turned 12 and with it is an amazing set of changes. With her growth, among other things, I am a stronger and stronger advocate for her at school and elsewhere too– less reluctant, less urgent, more relaxed and more determined to open my mouth and say it as I see it.
My older nephew has come to live with us for the summer which we all love. For me it is like one kind of dream come true. It’s just what he is doing with his life, but for me– I still remember vividly the night I spent in the hospital with him and his mom (my sister) the night after he was born. His dad had developed a terrible cold and called me to come stay overnight at the hospital. And I remember holding this little newborn boy– the start of a relationship unlike any I had ever had– and loving him and thinking “I am already closer to this boy than I have been to my aunts or uncles in my entire life! I will see to it that it continues this way.” And so to have him with us, besides being lively and interesting and fun– is a reminder that I have the power to set up many things in my life exactly as I always wanted– that the history, the limits of the people who went before me do not always have to define what is possible for me.
On blogging, I will say, I miss writing and love to write– so I have a plan to blog once every week until September and maybe even twice. If you’ve stopped visiting, come back. And cheer me on. Stay tuned.